Name: Steve Mensing
Homepage: http://Nap.Fanspace.com
Topic: Mirika: Grief
Sent: 16.32 - 5/18 2001
Mirika:

Cyndy and Eldon just pointed out two tried and true ways of handling grief. Really feeling those feelings and writing letters. Writing letters can serve two important functions in the grieving process: Putting our feelings down on paper which objectifies them and performing an important ritual of communing emotionally with the person over whom we're experiencing grief. This writing ritual is can be viewed as an important gesture and as putting closure on the loss.

What is grief? A part of everyone's life, grief is mainly sorrow over someone or something important lost. Grief or mourning may at times include anger, anxiety, denial, depression, and guilt. It may just be saddness, regret, or a sense of something missing. Because folks vary in how they look at their losses, people will have various grief experiences. Some people will feel sad and will come to a fairly swift closure while other folks may go through a whole range of emotions depending on their gut level beliefs about their loss.

* Likely one of the better ways to grieve is pay full attention to your feelings at set times everyday. In this paying of attention it might be good to have the intention not to get rid of the feelings or hang on to them. Just fully feel them and experience their basic message to us.

* Grief is a time of transition and it may take sometime to adjust to this loss. Whether it was a pet, a spouse, a close friend, a child, or even a job, it or they will leave a gap to fill. Often part of this loss involved emotional communion or love. Both of these important elements reside within us and through feeling feelings we find a way back to that missing part within ourselves. This is where the deepest healing, from loss, often takes place.

* Clearing can help, but I'd suggest not rushing to get rid of feelings. I might suggest waiting until those feelings were fully experienced and "heard".

* Sometimes we might believe we require "permission" to accept a loss. We can grant our own permission or if you believe in a higher power or God, we might ask for that.

* Sometimes in loss people ask the "why me?" question.
If we ask this question we might respond: "Why not me?"
The loss happened. It's real. We better recognize it and accept it. Losses are a part of living. Count on them happening. Our attitudes have much bearing on how we view them. Writing feelings down either to ourselves or in a letter as Eldon suggested can be opening.

* We better feel our loss as real rather than unreal or unbelievable. Here we better allow ourselves to feel those feelings that seem slightly distant or unreal. Placing our palm on our heart can help bring those lost and unreal feelings back into our body to be felt.

* Would we rather feel sad or disappointed rather than depressed? How might we view our loss in order to feel sad or disappointed about it? What important actions might we take to feel sad or disappointed instead of depressed?

* We might be required to look at our beliefs spawning anger here? And any guilt spawning beliefs are grist for the mill. Anxiety and impatience making beliefs might be examined as well..

* All feelings are said to be like seasons--they change in time. Feelings even change from moment to moment. People in deep mourning will laugh during phone conversations. Angry people burst out laughing.
Count on feelings changing in time. We may feel stuck, but the stuckness passes especailly if we actively feel our feelings. If we avoid them, they tend to remain longer with their unheard messages.

* Sometimes as we move through our feelings of loss it might be a good idea to gain perspective on our loss.
We might ask ourselves the question: "How might I view my loss 3 years from now? What will I have learned? What people or activities will have taken the place of this loss? How will I have experienced wholeness or love since that loss? Dare I look at what might be neutral or even good about this loss? When looking back from the future what aspects of this loss may create valuable growth and change?

* Here are some typical coping skills folks rely upon during times of mourning:

Doing what you better do no matter how you're feeling.

Talking about the loss with friends and family.

Considering your loss from different perspectives.

Reading literature about how others coped and identifying with those characters.

Meditating, prayer.

Eating good food, relaxing, and resting.

Self-help reading.

Visiting the NAP page and spilling your guts with a nom de plume.

Getting counsel.

Imagining yourself in the future looking back on the present.

Reviewing your attitudes and beliefs about this loss.

Listening to sad music.

Noting other times you passed through loss and what you learned during those times.

Asking questions of your unconscious.

Surrendering to your unconscious.

Creating memorials or sending those letters as Eldon suggested.

Focusing on those positive and working parts of your life while your unconscious assists you in the accepting process.

Noticing as you advance through your grieving process how loss brings useful change.

Restructuring some of your life's activities.

Take care, Steve