Jealousy

Name: Steve Mensing
Topic: Jealousy
Sent: 2:12 PM - 12/2 2000
Cindy, Yogi, William:

Jealousy is a very common human challenge to relationships.
Often the person acting on their jealous feelings rates themselves badly and believes their partner is untrustworthy and will leave them. Jealous persons are often living in powerful trance states where they are convinced their feelings are CAUSED by others. Frequently jealous individuals believe their gut feelings are valid evidence of betrayal. As you've probably noticed in your interactions with jealous persons you likely find them controlling and dictitorial with their partners.

Besides frequently possessing envy and the fear of losing someone to another person, jealousy can create the self-fulfilling prophesy of driving others away. Anger, distrust, controllingness and needyness do not make for close relationships or breed warm feelings. In my experience folks who have challenges with severe jealousy may have abandonment traumas from childhood or from early partnering experiences. Others just don't feel safe or stable. Jealousy is very painful for everyone concerned.

I've noticed that jealousy often contains at least several of these elements: (1) Lots of thinking about the partner and what he/she is doing. (Here's your compulsion Yogi) (2) Sometimes sadness or depressed feelings when the jealous person believes they have already lost someone (Also triggers old trauma feelings). (3) The unhelpful belief that "loved ones" are totally essential to security and happiness. (4) Lots of negative labeling of the self and partner. (5) The belief that a license exists to control other people's lives. (6) The unhelpful belief that we lack wholeness unless we have a relationship. (7) Jealousy is used as a tool to control the partner's actions. (8) The belief that partners are never shared with others, that they are property and should not socialize.

Like addictive compulsion, the person who has this trance state needs to come to grips with their feelings here. They need to gain some awareness about their feelings and their beliefs about themselves and others. The trauma/trances running jealousy need to be felt and allowed to process. There's quite a bit of resistance here because of the nature of the imagery and feelings brought up. Abandonment and betrayal are challenging experiences to experience.

New behavior and beliefs have to be explored. We can learn to accept ourselves and treat ourselves in a caring and loving manner no matter how others behave. We better learn firsthand that we are the source of love. Processes that bring up wholeness and love are very useful here in reconnecting someone with their essence.

Envy can have some connection with jealousy. Envy is when we compare ourselves to other folks or compare our accomplishment to other folk's accomplishments. Envy is fueled by trances running a negative self-view. If we accept ourselves, we don't spend much time comparing ourselves with others. This comparison can lead to disliking others or to even self-hate. When we envy, we often wish others hard times and knock their achievement and success. Here the underlying belief holds that other's succuss takes away from out own.

When we're looking to get past jealousy we might consider:

*Spending time with those empty feelings or pits we have. They can become the bedrock of change into wholness and self-acceptance.

*Noticing that we're multi-faceted with many, many positive, neutral, and some not so hot qualities. Learning to accept all of it by fully feeling those feelings.

*Check out your beliefs and perhaps clear those those that assume others are untrustworthy. It's really good to practice assuming that others are trustworthy unless they prove different. In this country folks are assummed innocent until proven guilty. Assumptions, gut feelings, and jumped to conclusions are especially poor evidence if you have any history of jealousy. These are just self-proving trances that your gut will always validate even though no evidence exists.

*What you expect you often get. Expect others to cheat and behave like they are and pretty soon they might. Folks begin to feel distant and dishonored when others don't trust them. They really might start checking out others for closeness and relationship.

*Accept it when you experience jealousy or envy. You really should feel this way if you're running jealous trances.

*Recognize that others have the right to choose what they want to do.

*It's okay to want to be close to your partner and avoid a lot of sharing. That may be a spoken agreement between you and your partner.

*Losing a partner is not the end of the world. As adults we can find other sources of love and interest. We can reconnect with our own sources of love and we can treat ourselves in a loving and caring manner. Let that emotional needy and driven quality be fully felt and not acted upon.

*Trance needyness is a powerful thing and produces power feelings that can seem overwhelming. This is the nature of a love compulsion. One person is not totally essential to our happiness and security. We have many, many resources, both within us and outside us, to replace what we no longer have.

*We have no license to control others.

*If our partners sometimes are not paying attention to us it does not mean we lack worth. Partners certainly can have other interests and diversions.

*Discover how you create your own feelings of acceptance and love. What you need is really inside, not out there in a trance fantasy.

Jealousy very much has a compulsive and addictive quality to it.

Go to your emptiness and see how it becomes whole, Steve

Name: Lyle Talbot
Topic: Jealousy
Sent: 7:50 AM - 12/3 2000

I've worked with many couples over the years where jealousy was a problem. There seems to be two varieties of it. The sane sort of jealousy when you feel a twinge of jealousy when an econo box of tiger skin condoms drops out of your wife's purse and the other variety where someone is running that compulsive trance that Steve spoke about. Having a twinge of reality based jealousy is okay. I think most sane people would feel out of sorts if they discovered their spouse or partner had stepped outside an agreement.

But it's the compulsive trance variety that really curtails a person's ability to relate to another. This kind needs direct treatment or I guarantee you that person's relationships will be short lived unless their partner is inhumanly accepting.

Put yourself in the jealous person's trance. They are hypervigalent for their partner cheating. Feel how they must feel when their partner returns 2 hours late from work.
Imagine how they must feel when the partner is immersed in work related problems and is off daydreaming and not paying attention. Imagine what's it's like to have a mind set that says your partner is going to leave you no matter what.

That and more goes on.

You really can't reason with a powerful compulsive trance. It's hypnotic and automatic in nature. It sorts out information that agrees with it and rules out information that doesn't. It's compulsive in nature. It is feelings based with shrunken and distorted perceptions. And if you touch it directly you'll find it guards a caldron of pain.

Always some sort of loss or abandonment issue like Steve said.

Most people who come into therapy with compulsive jealousy don't even recognize it as a problem. They think that's how the world relates. They think their brand of jealousy and possessiveness is normal. And frankly it is fairly prevelant. I doubt too many of us haven't met or experienced this sort of jealousy in oothers or even ourselves.

Recognition is the first step. Owning this problem as my own.

In the early stages of therapy with this problem a person has to see both its effect on them and on others. Other styles of relating have to be compared. A pro and con on keeping this behavior has to be discussed or else the client won't be so willing to give this up. It also helps to know other forms of consciousness are available. Consciousness where others are no longer seen as the source of our feelings and love. Steve mentioned this and I think this is very important in growing out of this compulsive and love addicted trance.

Remember there will be some natural resistance to making a change from this compulsive trance to a clearer way of looking at and to others. This compulsion covers and protects the pain of abandonment whether from childhood or from a time in adult life when someone likely got jilted.
The trance itself has to be felt and accepted. This is the beginning of the end of the trance. I liked the accept this,Love that exercise up on the tech page. I wish I had this when I worked with clients. I used feeling mixed with cognitive interventions and I don't believe they they go to the heart of the matter as well.
Accepting and feeling that compulsion is key. The pain is going to come up and it needs to be felt and processed. A simple feeling it and paying attention to it works. A Meridian grasp in the feelings oriented mode would work well. The Avatar discreation methods I saw on the board would work here. The Vortex. Circuit Breaker. The Core Trans if the person was intuitive. But always with the intention of feeling and allowing. This is so important.

The pain isn't unbearable--that's a dark loop our mind throws up. That's the cognitive coloring. The pain intolerance blows with direct feeling. The Meridian Grasp head grasp would greatly cut down the amount of overwhelm or restim. The Nightmare Eliminator too.

But as soon as the trauma pain is felt, the whole kaboodle begins to blow out. If you're breathing into it as if most Emoclear exercises you're going to get that flipover phenomena where that pain transforms into its opposite. You're going to arrive at the source of your real love. Your essence being or core state or whatever you call it.

This is where the change becomes permanent.

If you're working with this as a therapist keep in mind that the client may be running multiple stacked trances on the same site. People who have intense and compulsive jealousy usually have multiple traumas around abandonment and jilting. There is the first incident and then memories of likely more. These persons have a habit of reinvolving themselves in the same sorts of situations over and over until their system rebels. This person may have been dumped or cheated on numerous times and the pains from each will have to be liberated. If you run the first incident, this often blows out the other incidents that followed--but no always.

That empty pit is a great way to start. Like Steve mentions about Jealousy and on the targets for tech--emptiness is a primary target. I sense that anyone who has these areas in their body would do well to sit or lay with them and fully feel them. For some it may feel overwhelming at the outset. Use an Emoclear head grasp and that will cut down a lot of the overwhelm quickly. Just feeling those pits has miraculous healing power. And if you pop inside them you will get an instant flipover in your feeling state. It's like being in a hot tub filled with love and peace when you really sink into an empty spot.

Elizabeth is checking over my shoulder to see who I'm communing with. No Elizabeth I'm not having cybersex.

See you guys later, Lyle Talbot