Name: Steve Mensing
Topic: Overdependence
Sent: 10.01 - 4/3 2001
Wanting Info:

Adding to what Beyond One and I said earlier, I'm going to mention about the challenge of overdependence in general.

Overdependence is one of the Personality Clusters I mentioned in "targets for tech" up on the tech page.
Overdependence is often fueled by an underlying belief that "I can't do it on my own". It can occur in men and women alike. It's a generally pervasive feeling that we lack what it takes to handle our responsibilities and roles.

In Personality Clusters we call this particular cluster: Dependent/Incompetent. This cluster of beliefs offers us the sense that we are unable to handle our lives without others assisting us. We may believe our judgement and skills may be impaired. (There's nothing wrong with getting assistance, it's the over reliance upon it that may create hassles).
Typical beliefs in this dependence/incompetence cluster are:

*I need others to help me make it.
*I can't do it on my own.
*Others can take better care of me than I can.
*I can't cope alone.
*I direly need other people's guidance.
*I'm totally dependent and can't function alone.
*If I take responsibility--I'll make too many mistakes.
*I mess up everything I touch.
*I'm useless in many areas of my life.
*I can't trust my judgment.
*I can't make good decisions because I lack common sense.
*I can't solve problems--I get too anxious.
*Things just overwhelm me--I can't cope alone.
*I feel like a child when I have to fend for myself.
*I mess up everything so why bother.

The above beliefs could be cleared with tech or challenged by undertaking tasks and finishing them successfully.

If someone is looking for prince charming or a meal ticket this may be a hint that they may be caught up in overdependence.

Sometimes there can be overcompensation in this area because some folks who feel needy and incompetent will go the opposite route and insist on doing absolutely everything themselves to the point of refusing any and all assistance in important areas.

Often the roots of overdependence grow out of having parents who were extremely overprotective and made too many decisions for you or took over normal childhood responsibilities. Parents may have usurped our ability to make decisions and follow through on them by the overgiving of instruction and advice. They also may have created a "no failure" environment for us where we would never learn or profit from errors.
Further if mom or dad presented "out there" as dangerous or "too hard" we may have created strong doubts about our abilities to handle life.

In some instances being under supervised in growing up can also help spawn overdependence. What happens here is that a kiddo is overwhelmed with responsibilities and doesn't have the savvy yet to handle them. This can install a belief that I can't do anything and am incompetent.

Some signs of overdepence in general can be seen in:

You are constantly seeking out others for counsel.
You have avoided living alone.
You are anxious about traveling alone or going places alone.
You put your partner's wisdom way over your own and trust it over yours.
You forgo handling your finances, taxes etc.
You avoid making decisions in important areas of your life.

The above are all skills that can be learned through doing. Classes are availble here especially for seniors.

Making changes in these areas can call on us to do the following:

(1) List areas where you feel incompetence and find skills building classes in these areas.

(2) Push yourself to make decisions and do tasks where you have felt some anxiety previously. This will help you learn a skill.

(3)Give yourself credit for your accomplishments.

(4) Take a gradual approach here as Beyond One suggested and know that Rome was not hammered out in a day.

Take care, Steve